Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
