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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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