don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
