I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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