In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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