also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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