they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
