Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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