Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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