My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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