Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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