Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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