At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
