He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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