I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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