Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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