I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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