Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
