hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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