Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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