my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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