i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize