I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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