Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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