my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize