My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This can only be settled by a dance off.
soo... how was my night?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
