Jerry, you need to find god
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize