glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize