question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
