My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
