She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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