the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
