When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
