I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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