Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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