good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
