we have officially lost it.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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