you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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