Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
