Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
