I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
