She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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