i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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