The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Randomize
