I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
me + whiskey = a bad person
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize