You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
