She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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