I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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