someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My ATM looks so different sober.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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