im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
