hell yes lets make some ravioli
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i believe in u and ur pee
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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