the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
