i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
