break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I wish I could punch you in the face.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize