You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
