Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize