tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Still dying that you shit outside
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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