I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
