I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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